Fighting My Demons
Street photography is a unique genre of the medium because the entire world serves as your playground. Whether it is the interplay of light and shadow, the geometry of architecture, or the unpredictable movements of people in an urban setting, I guarantee you there is always something to photograph. However, having a scene in front of you is only half the battle. You need the right exposure, the right lens, and the quickness of hand to "throw the net" at the exact right moment.
But even when the world is full of potential subjects, our internal state can blur our vision more than any physical fog. As an artist, your mental health deeply dictates how you see the world. There are days when you feel confident, and others where imposter syndrome takes over, making you feel like a complete fraud. When a pessimistic mood or a wave of depression hits, it’s like walking through the city without your prescription glasses; you won’t be able to see the world clearly.
I experienced this this evening while taking the metro downtown. A severe depression shrouded over me, sucking all the happiness out of me. It is a heavy, suffocating feeling that makes you feel like you no longer belong in the world. When I stepped off the train, I walked and stared blankly at the ground like I got shot. I had to sit on a marble bench for five minutes, just looking around, feeling the weight of the darkness quickly taking over.
I almost wanted to leave and accept that my depression got the best of me for tonight. But something awoke inside of me. I told myself that I was capable. Capable of capturing at least one good image before calling it quits. I decided to fight that internal darkness and search for one small victory. Interestingly, the simple act of taking photos—regardless if they were good or not—started to make me feel better. Movement and action began to clear the fog.
After fighting it through, this was the one photo I ended up getting:
It really worked and after walking around I found that shot I promised I would find before the end of the night. It taught me that when you are down, forcing yourself to do even a little bit of what you love is vital. Depression compounds when you stay still; it builds interest like a debt that becomes harder to pay off the longer you wait.
Whether you are a photographer or not, the principle remains the same: when you feel "sick" in your mind, treat it like a physical ailment. Just as walking and moving the body can help fight a cold, active engagement with your passions can help fight the darkness. Every artist faces moments where they feel like an idiot or a failure, but these feelings are temporary. By pushing through and achieving even one small goal, you prove to yourself that you are still there, still capable, and still an artist.
