June 7th 3am Thoughts

June 7th 3:52AM

I woke up around 2:50AM. Had some kind of nightmare and did't have a teddy bear to comfort me. Heart was beating faster than normal and feeling thirsty. Scrolled through my phone for half hour. Took my dog outside. Foggy as hell, grass packed with dew and slenderman was probably eyeing me the entire time. Looked for my computer charger in the car (doing this at 3am made me feel like I was breaking into a car). Drank a cup of berry smoothie juice. Still feel a little sleepy but not enough to actually go back to sleep.

I feel disappointed in myself. Watching all these motivational clips and bookmarking tweets but never actually applied the advice to my own life.

I come home from work not necessarily exhausted but undecisive on what to do next: There's movies I want to see at the theaters and on streaming, several stacks unread books that I want to start, shoot more street photography in DC, work on my personal business and website. But my brain feels fried from scrolling through clips that I have a hard time working on long-term projects. Been lazy these days

I want to enjoy life. Whatever that means. Pursuit of Happiness type shit. I thought having a stable 9-to-5 job, come home and unwind for the rest of the night, have three full meals a day, do that for five days then enjoy the weekend, future and finances are all good type shit, I thought that was enjoying life. But that lifestyle ain't errbody cup of fuckin' tea.

I wish my life was simple like where you don't have to think so fuckin' hard and have your mind on cruise control all the way until retirement.

Your life is unique from everyone else and you have to make a living and a life that fits your framework and not copy what everyone else is doing. Thoreau said follow the unique sound of your inner drum or sum' shit like that.

I need to stop copying what everyone else is doing around me and start doing me. Snap out of the trance

Most people are relaxing at home. Then there's people where their 9-to-5 just the start of their day. Some are taking a night or online college course, writing code for their brand new app, preparing for the marathon, writing a book, making a short film on an iphone with their friends, making OnlyFans content etc.

Those are the kinds of minds that I want to tap into. I don't feel like I'm surrounded by people who are fucking going after it. Majority of people are just living life on cruise control.

If you read this all the way through thank you for reading this choppy mess. Some writing tip I remember was just write what's going on in your heart rn and babble about it until you get most of it out of your chest. That's what's loosely on my mind rn.

It's 5:18AM. Birds are chirping up some new soundcloud beats.

good night~